Tonight I’m going to the Roseway to see Cort and Fatboy present Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb. I listen to Cort and Fatboy’s podcast, and I make an effort to go see their Midnight Movies and other events. I like them, and I follow them on Twitter.
In fact, I jokingly claim at times that I have a bit of a geekcrush on them. They know who I am (well, Fatboy does; I don’t interact much with Cort so I can’t say if he would recognize me in a crowd). They embody the best of geekdom: a curiosity about all things, but especially pop culture, film, games and music, and a skepticism towards authority figures.
I’m hetero in sexual orientation, but sexual orientation is only one way people can relate, so I’m not embarrassed to admit my geekcrush on C&FB (although it may embarrass them to read of it, which is not my intention here). In fact, I’m pretty sure that my liking of them and my need to participate in their public activities is a character flaw in myself; a need to belong to something I think is cool, and a way to express the idea that I’m worth less than anyone popular, even in a small social circle like local Portland podcasters.
I hear them joking with their friends, and I want to do that, too. I tweet at them and I know, on some level, that I’m really only doing it to get some kind of reaction from them. In a way it’s the same feeling that I imagine drives lonely folk on the internet to post inflammatory things just to draw attention or create excitement. I do not particularly like that feeling in myself, but I am glad I can at least recognize it. Diagnosis before treatment, right?
What’s especially odd about this is I already have a great group of friends. And if any of them are reading this, let me tell them that I love them and appreciate all that they bring to my life. They’re funny and smart and perceptive and irritating in the proportions that I need. They call me out when I’m being dumb and they praise me when I’m on target.
No, my geekcrush is more about what motivates me. If I had to choose between fame and forture, I’d pick fame every time.
