My friend Ken dropped me off after work, a favor for which I am always grateful. I hung up my key on the little parrot by the door, dropped off my laptop bag, wandered into the kitchen to see what I needed, then headed out the door to do some grocery shopping, grabbing my reusable bag on my way.
Did ya see what I did there? I forgot to take my house key on my way out. I didn’t notice my keys weren’t in their usual place until I was on my way back home with a bag full of bacon and eggs and other foodstuffs.
Oh, crap.
The last time I locked myself out was a couple of months ago: I had gone out for a run, taking my spare key (rather than the whole keychain with my home and work keys) with me and putting it in the pocket of my running shorts. I discovered about halfway through the run that that pocket had a hole and the key was missing. But I had hidden a spare key near my back door, and used that to get back in. I tried to remember to replace that hidden spare. I had not.
First I checked with Tracy; she has had a spare key to my apartment in the past. But she no longer did, or couldn’t find it since she’s recently moved. I called my landlord but reached his voicemail.
Time to call a locksmith.
I had no idea what they charged, but the first (sponsored) result on Google said “$15 locksmith service”. The company was RunLocal Locksmith. I suspected that that was low but called the number listed. I spoke to the dispatcher who said that the $15 fee was just for the locksmith to come out; that labor and parts started at $35. I asked what the labor went up to but was told that “the technician will let you know what the total charge is before he does anything.” She also made certain I could verify that I was a resident of the address in question.
I needed the service and wasn’t in the mood to shop around. I figured that the upper limit was about double that, or around a hundred bucks.
The dispatcher said to wait for the technician to call back. ”You’ll be inside your apartment soon, Mr. Moon,” she said. I figured it might be a while so I wandered down to my local coffee shop and complained to Kelly while I ordered a hot chocolate. Exactly a half-hour from my original call I got a blocked call and answered. It was Naneer (I’m unsure of spelling but he repeated his name several times once he arrived) and he said he was 10-12 minutes away. I finished my drink and walked back home to sit on the stoop.
A minivan pulled up and a guy leaned out the window. “Hey,” he said, “are you waiting for the technician?”
Once at the door, he took a look and asked if it was the deadbolt or the doorknob. Hmmm, if it was the deadbolt wouldn’t I have the key with me? Not sure how I could have locked myself out of the apartment by just the deadbolt without having a key. He gave me some story about how the deadbolt was easier to pick because the doorknob was “loose”, scribbled on his receipt pad and explained that the cost was $15 for the visit plus $129 for the labor and bent to get to work.
“Hold it. One twenty nine? Seriously? I was told labor started at thirty-five dollars. Can you explain why your quote is so high?”
Instead of answering he pulled out his phone and picked a number from his contact list. “I get you discount.”
I said, “So you can’t explain? Is that it?”
The call was to the same number I had called. Naneer started to explain who he was and that he had a question, and the dispatcher told him several times to call the tech line. “I’ll get in trouble if I talk to you,” the dispatcher said. Naneer hung up and called another number, and reached another woman. He gave her the job number and she put him on hold. While we waited, Naneer put the phone down. “Let me get started while we wait.”
“Hold it.” I actually laughed.
“No, no, it’s OK,” he said. OK for who? “I don’t know if I can pick it or not. It will be OK.”
“At this point,” I said, “until I agree to a specific quote, I am only paying you the $15 service fee.” OK, he agreed and he started to pick the lock.
But soon enough the hold was picked up, this time by a man named Darnell. Darnell explained that I was quoted $15 service fee and $35 and up for labor, which is what I had said. Naneer performed what sounded to me like a clumsy negotiation for a discount: “so, it’s OK if I give him a discount? The usual is 10% but I am OK to give what I want, OK?” Darnell agreed, sounding a bit amused by the whole thing.
Did I mention that both conversations were on speakerphone? I could hear both ends of the call. It looked for all the world like a play performed for my benefit.
Once off the phone he picked up his receipt pad. “How much is 10% off of $129? No that is not enough. How much is 20%? Wait… I take the discount off the total.” He added up 15 and 129. “How much is 20% off 144?”
I added it up on my phone and told him. “Not enough! How much is 30%?” I told him 100.8. Gee, just about double what I was originally quoted. It’s like I’m prescient or somethin’.
He got back to work. While he did, I filled out my name, address, phone number, and signature. In just a minute or two, the door was open.
“Thank you,” I told him, tired. Now for payment. “You take debit cards?”
“It will be better if you pay cash this time,” he said.
“Sorry. I don’t have that much cash on me.” OK, then we can do debit card.
He started to fill out the receipt again, paused. “There is usually a 10% charge on credit cards. It is the banks.”
I was tired, I was cold, I was in my apartment. I laughed. “Of course there is! Your company lowballs me on the phone, jacks the price up, gives me a song and dance once you’re here, and now there’s another extra fee.” I resolved to never let myself be in this position again. At least I have the money for this; that’s what an emergency fund is for, right? Emergencies. Even ones that I caused myself. But whatever happened to you today, me tomorrow?
Grand total: $110. I told Naneer, “I hope you understand that I hope to never ever see you or deal with your company again, but thank you for your quick work and entertaining phone calls.”
As soon as he left, I went out to hide my spare in a fresh spot. Never again!
